This is Why I Don't Bring Friends Over
by Cissa The Bookworm
Summary: It's Peter's night to host movie night with his friends and they get a lot more than they bargained for when they find out Peter is the son of Steve and Tony. Includes Wade Wilson/Peter Parker.


"C'mon, Pete, we never have movie night at your place." Gwen whines at Peter.

"Yeah, Peter, it's about time we have it at your place." Mary-Jane agrees, "I don't think I can have it again at my place this weekend."

"My brothers will kill me if we hold it at mine again." Gwen interjects.

"I'd love to hold it at mine," Harry put in his two cents, "but there is a benefit gala taking place there this evening."

Peter sighs, "Yeah, I guess we could have it at my place this weekend. I'll text my dad just to make sure that nothing crazy is going on there."

Peter taps at his phone for a few minutes before finally turning to his friends and saying, "Yeah, Dad said it's alright for you guys to come over. Meet me at the square after and we can all go over to mine."

"Yes!"

"Thanks Pete!"

"This should be interesting." Harry mumbles.

Peter waves at his friends as they all head off to separate places for the rest of their classes. The four friends meet up as soon as they can after the afternoon bell rings. The three smile at Peter and urge him forward down the sidewalk.

"So how far away do you live?" MJ asks, "I can't believe that we've never been to your place before."

Peter laughs nervously, "About fifteen minutes walking."

Gwen slings her arm through Peter's, "Lead on!"

The four teens head towards a district that housed mostly tall skyscrapers with the occasional shorter coffeeshop, cafe, or other small, classy businesses. "You live down here?" MJ asks in disbelief, "I thought the only thing down here was haute businesses."

"The Avengers' Tower is down here too." Henry points out, "Dad always complains that that's the only thing he can see from our office building. He hates Stark's tower."

"And that's probably why Stark put it there." MJ laughs.

"Peter, are we going to Avengers' Tower?" Gwen asks.

Peter looks nervous, "Um, well, yes."

"Why?"

"I kinda...live there with my family."

"Your family knows the Avengers?" Harry demands.

"You guys should just wait and see. They're all waiting for us to get there to meet you guys; you're the first people that I've brought home. Besides Wade, but he just invited himself, so he doesn't really count. And he also works with my family..."

"Who's Wade?" MJ asks, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

Peter looks awkward, "He's my boyfriend. And I know! I know, I never told you guys about him, but he's a bit hard to explain. It'll make more sense when you meet my family. Wade'll probably join us later tonight, he's upset that I'm not giving him enough attention and Dad hates it when he hangs around the place."

"Your dad hates your boyfriend." Gwen looks sad, "That's depressing."

"Oh yeah, Dad hates Wade's guts. The rest of the family is a bit more forgiving of him and thank God, Dad's better half keeps letting him sneak in the tower." Peter smiles at the thought, "I really just think that Dad likes to hate on Wade and doesn't kill him for my sake."

"Your family already sounds unique." Gwen replies kindly.

Peter snorts, "Unique doesn't even cover it."

While they had been chatting, the four teens had made their way in a back entrance of Avengers' Tower, into an elevator, and up to top of the tower. The door dings open to a spacious room that had weapons strung out everywhere. "Hey J, where's the family?" Peter seemingly asks the room itself.

To the other three's surprise, a British, albeit slight mechanical, voice replies, "They have all congregated in the kitchen."

"Thanks, J." Peter smiles and leads them towards the kitchen and explains, "That's Jarvis, he's an AI that Dad made when he was younger. He's been around my entire life and Dad loves to brag about him. Well, he is awesome, so I can't fault him for bragging."

"Thank you, young sir." Replies Jarvis, sounding smug.

Peter grins, "You're welcome, J. Now you wanna do me a favor and let Wade in without zapping him? I know he can't die, but he complains that it hurts."

Jarvis sounds amusedly fond as he replies, "I'll tell Master Stark that he has arrived after Mister Wilson has had ample time to enter the building."

"You're the best." Peter replies, opening the door to the kitchen. The teens gap at the scene in front of them, Peter for different reasons than the others. The kitchen was totally covered in baking ingredients and in the center stands the Avengers, Earth's mightiest heroes, equally covered in baking supplies and bickering like they had nothing better to do than argue while covered in egg and flour.

"Um, guys?"

"Hey, Pete!" Clint crows, "Just in time for the party!"

"Shut up!" Natasha elbows Clint in the stomach.

Steve throws Peter an apologetic look, "I was trying to make cookies when everyone else decided that they needed to help."

"Hey!" Tony says, offended, "I only came in here for a can of Coke, it's not my fault bird brain threw flour at me!"

Clint rolls his eyes, "You were asking for it."

"Idiots." Natasha mutters as she tries to wipe some of the egg out of her hair, but only ends up smearing it in worse.

Peter looks horrified, "C'mon guys! The _one_ time that I bring home friends!"

Clint snickers, "It's a good thing that your boyfriend is crazier than us!"

Peter huffs, "Be nice to Wade."

"Why are they being nice to me?" Another voice asks, coming up behind the four teens.

"Sir, it appears Mister Wilson has entered the building." Jarvis' cool voice comes over the speakers.

Tony looks annoyed, "Yes, thank you for that delayed announcement, J."

"Anytime, sir."

Wade cuddles up behind Peter, "So they had a food fight and they didn't even invite me."

Peter snorts, "It looks that way. Disappointed?"

"Duh. I coulda threw egg down the back of Captain America's pants."

"You're disgusting." Peter says fondly.

"But you love me."

"God help me I do." At Peter's words, Wade smacks a huge kiss on top of Peter's head before shooing the Avengers out of the kitchen.

"Papa's got some tacos to make and he can't do it with all of you standing around."

Steve rolls his eyes, "You're offering to make dinner?"

Wade sighs dramatically, "I guess I can make family dinner tonight."

"How kind." Tony sarcastically says.

"Be nice dear." Steve says, amusement lacing his words.

"Yes, honey bunches of oats." Tony drawls as he walks out of the kitchen after ruffling Peter's hair. "Imma take a shower then I can come back and show Pete's friends his baby photos."

"God, please don't."

"Ooooooh, you've gotta show the birthday cake one, it's the best." Wade sighs over his taco preparations. "My little Petey, the most adorable at any age."

"Shut up, Wilson." Tony snaps irritably.

" _Tony_." Steve warns, "No killing Pete's boyfriend in the house, it leaves stains."

"Pops!" Peter looks scandalized, "You can't say that to him! He'll take it as permission to kill Wade 'accidentally' in the next Avenger event!"

Steve smooths out Peter's ruffled hair and consoles, "He'll come back to life in about an hour after your dad kills him and everyone will feel much better for it."

"Pops!" Peter still looked scandalized, "You're Captain America! You're not supposed to condone mindless killing! That would include killing my boyfriend for no good reason!"

"Aw, it's fine, baby boy! Mister America is right, I _would_ come back in about an hour."

"I hate all you." Peter calmly states. "The one time I bring home friends."

Natasha sidles up to Peter and curls him into her side, "маленький паук, this would have probably happened no matter when you decided to bring home friends. I'll try to make Clint behave for the rest of the evening."

Peter looked relieved, "Thanks Aunt Nat."

"Of course." Natasha gives Peter a small smile, squeezes him once, and then disappeared to make sure Clint hasn't gotten into any trouble yet.

"Why don't you and your friends go to the living room and start up a movie. Supper will be a while and the rest of us have to go get cleaned up." Steve suggested, "And I'll try to keep your father away from Wade as much as possible. I know he hasn't been able to get into the tower for the last week or so." Steve rolls his eyes, "Tony changed my access codes so I couldn't key Wade back in."

Peter gives his pops a quick hug, "Thank you for tolerating Wade, it means a lot to me."

"He's good, deep down. And you bring the best out in him."

Peter smiles warmly at Steve as he turns around and wrangles the rest of the Avengers towards a shower and sternly tells Wade not to burn anything down while he's cooking. "How many you want, baby boy?" Wade calls to Peter.

Peter hums, "The usual. And make some extra for my friends, they're unlucky enough to get to experience an Avenger movie night."

"Oooooh!" Wade squeals, "Who's turn is it to pick?"

Peter slips his arms around Wade, "Well, it is my turn, but I think I could sacrifice and let you choose for me."

Wade turns around and wraps his arms around Peter, pulling him flush against his chest. "And that's why you're my baby boy."

"I thought it was because of my bubble butt?" Peter laughs.

Wade shrugs, "That does factor into your hottness."

Peter giggles and presses his face against Wade's chest before pushing back and untangling himself from Wade's octopus hold on him. "You really better get to cooking or you'll have a bunch of pissed off Avengers on your case." Peter smacks a kiss against Wade's lips through the mask and turned to lead his friends towards the living room. "C'mon guys, you can ask all the questions you want when we get into the living room."

A few minutes later the four are settled into the plush couches of Tony Stark's living room and Peter's friends look ready to burst. "So…." Peter says awkwardly.

"So? SO?" Gwen nearly shrieks, "YOu never said you were the kid of Tony Stark and Steve Rogers!"

Peter blushes, "And would you have believed me if I said I was?"

MJ looks sad, "Probably not."

"Exactly." Peter states, "Being their kid is amazing. I have a loving family and I know that I'm always protected."

"Isn't it scary? I mean, they might get hurt in battle and…." Gwen looks like she was about ready to cry.

"I mean, yeah, it's a possibility, but they've been at it for a while and they always come back. They wouldn't want to go out any other way."

"Are you adopted?" Harry randomly asks.

Peter blinks in shock before steadily answering, "Yes, yes I am. When I was ten my uncle died and then not even year later my aunt died. It was during an Avengers battle and Pops found me. He was in his full Captain America uniform and I thought I had died and went to heaven because I was meeting one of my heroes. But then he just reaches down, picks me up and takes me to safety. The group finds out later what had happened and they immediately adopted me into their folds. I've been their kid ever since." Peter smiles. "It was a bit of a shock finding out that my two favorite heroes were married, but then I was ecstatic, it was like any fantasy I could ever have had."

"It must be amazing to be around all this technology." Gwen looks starstruck at the idea of seeing all of Tony Stark's technology that he had hidden within the tower.

Peter nods his agreement, "It is pretty amazing. Dad loves to drag me around and show off all his tech. I even have my own lab. Pops says I can keep it as long as I blow it up less times that Dad does. Thank god Dad blows his up like every other week or I would have lost my lab pretty damn quickly."

"Is that safe?" MJ asks.

"Probably not." Peter states, "But we aren't exactly normal in this house. We wouldn't know normal if it danced naked in front of us."

"And Wade?" Gwen finally asks. MJ shoots Gwen a knowing look, who promptly turned away and ignores MJ.

Peter lets a small smile creep onto his face. "We meet when Wade came over looking for Pops when they were all away doing Avenger things. Wade wouldn't leave until he got to talk to Pops for some reason, so he ended up bunking out here in the tower for about a week and a half. He slowly wooed me into a first date with his cooking and horrible pick up lines. It also helped that he could keep up with me in video games. Dad freaked out when he heard about this of course. He's hated Wade from the very beginning, but everyone else has slowly been won over."

"You're dating Deadpool?" Harry asks.

Peter has the grace to blush, "Yes."

"Deadpool." Harry states. "Isn't that dangerous?"

"I _do_ live with the Avengers and Wade is on the Avengers roster nowadays." Peter points out. "Pops threatens Wade weekly, Dad daily, and Aunt Nat whenever she thinks Wade isn't being romantic enough."

"And how often is that?" MJ asks.

Peter laughs, "Sometimes every day during a week and sometimes not for a week and a half." Peter then shrugs, "Depends on the week and if she feels especially murderous that day."

Harry goes to say something, but is interrupted by a shriek from the kitchen. Peter sighs and heads towards his boyfriend, his friends following behind like ducklings. "What now Wade?"

"I maaaaaaay have set the stove on fire. Again." Wade hedges.

"Wade…" Peter sighs, "What are we going to do with you? This is the third time this month! What were you doing?"

"I swear I didn't mean it this time!"

"Wade." Peter sends a Captain America worthy glare towards his boyfriend.

Wade sighs in defeat, "I forgot to take the semi-flammable object out of the oven before I turned it on."

Peter rolls his eyes, "Let me guess, you were storing it there for safekeeping?"

"Got it in one baby boy!" Wade makes his smile visible through the mask.

"What have I told you about storing flammable objects in the oven?"

"Not to?"

"Exactly. I'm not going to feel sorry this time if Dad kills you for ruining the third oven this month."

"But Bruce has ruined more than me in less time!" Wade protests.

"And a couple of those times were due to the other guy so your argument is invalid." Peter sternly tells Wade.

Wade sadly sighs, "Fine. I guess I can pay for the replacement."

"Wade!" Peter laughs, "You know he could care less about the money!"

"Meh." Wade dismisses, "He'd find another reason to kill me anyways before the evening was up."

"God what even is my life?" Peter mutters to himself.

Steve walks into the room a few seconds later, stopping short at the sight of the ruined oven. "Seriously?" Wade gives Steve a hand-heart hopefully, causing Peter to snort in amusement. "This is the third time."

"That's what I said." Peter mumbles.

"So what do you think we're going to do for dinner?" Steve sternly asks Wade.

Wade hopefully replies, "Order out?"

Steve shakes his head, turns to Peter's friends and asks, "How do you three feel about Chinese?"

"Oh it's good."

"I love Chinese."

"I don't hate it." Came the three replies.

Steve nods thankfully, "Jarvis please order the usual plus enough for our guests." Steve then turns to Wade, "Wilson, I _will not_ be held responsible for my husband's actions."

"Meep."

"How eloquent." Peter snorts. "I'm seriously betting on Dad killing him and hiding his head from his body in punishment."

Steve rolls his eyes, "He'll skip the beheading and go straight for blowing him up."

"Not like I haven't been blown up before." Wade shrugs, "It's not so bad."

"God, this is why I don't bring friends home." Peter mutters to himself as he heads back out of the kitchen.

Gwen smiles at Peter, "You're family isn't _that_ bad."

"You're kidding me right?" Peter laughs, "You can't possibly be serious."

"I mean, the technology." Gwen tries to defend herself.

"Pretty boring once you see it everyday." Steve says as he breezes through the group on his way to his drawing desk. "Though it is fun watching Clint argue with the toaster every morning."

"Little fucker hates me." Clint cusses as he storms into the area, "What happened to the damn oven?"

"Wade blew it up again." Peter informs his uncle, "Dad's probably going to behead Wade."

"I'm going with blowing up." Steve mutters as he starts to work on his drawing.

Clint raises his eyebrows and gives Wade a once-over, "Nah, he'll probably just ban the poor fucker from seeing Pete."

"God, that's such a cruel and unusual punishment." Peter whines, "What did I ever do to Dad?"

"Start dating Wade?" Clint laughs.

"But I love him!"

"Which is why he hasn't found a way to permanently kill Wilson yet." Natasha replies as she too breezes into the living area.

Bruce walks into the living room, confusion clear on his face, "What happened to the oven?"

"Wade forgot to take out the flammable objects he had stashed in there before turning the oven on." Peter tells his other uncle.

Bruce raises an eyebrow at the man in question, "Do you have a death wish?"

Wade shrugs and attaches himself to Peter's side. "IDK."

"Did you seriously just use text talk in real life?" Peter gives his boyfriend a judgemental look.

"Don't judge me! I was born this way!"

"No quoting Lady Gaga after three pm." Clint mutters, climbing up on top of one of the cabinets in the living room.

"Off the furniture, Clint!" Steve snaps, not breaking his gaze from his drawing.

"Okay, now I see why you don't bring friends over." Harry tells Peter, causing the other teen to sigh and roll his eyes in response.

"This is a good day."

"Hate to see you guys on a bad day." Harry mutters.

Peter gives his friend a grin, "Tell me about it."

A few silent seconds pass before the group in the living room hears, "WILSON!"

Wade pales a shade or two behind his mask before hiding under the couch. A second later, a seething Tony storms his way into the living room. "WHERE IS HE?" Tony demands.

Clint, Natasha, and Steve all silently point to the couch Wade was hiding under. "Banned! You're banned Wilson! And you're paying for a new goddamn oven!" Tony huffs, "Starting immediately! Get OUT!" Tony takes a large poking stick out from behind his back and starts jabbing under the couch.

Peter sighs and flips another page in his science textbook that he produced from somewhere, "At least you didn't rat him out, Uncle Bruce."

"You're welcome kid." Bruce adjusts his glasses and types another equation into his tablet.

Harry, Gwen, and MJ look on at the scene in morbid fascination. "OUT WILSON!" Tony screeches.

Wade finally pops out from behind the couch and practically shoves himself out the nearest window, "I LOVE YOU BABY BOY!"

"Love you to snookums." Peter idly responds, sighing once more. "You at least could have let him give me a good-bye kiss before you ban him for the next month."

"Oh please," Tony scoffs, "You're just going to go to his apartment tomorrow anyways."

"Be nice dear." Steve doesn't attempt to sooth as he adds some shading to his sketch.

"I hate you all." Peter rolls his eyes. "The one time I bring home friends."

"Suck it up buttercup." Clint grouses from his perch, "This is all the karma you get for fucking with the toaster."

"Oh please," Peter scoffs, sounding very much like Tony, "You were asking for it."

"If you'd say please and thank you the toaster would like you more." Natasha agrees.

"I'm never having movie night at your house ever again, Peter." Harry complains.

MJ and Gwen nod vigorously and chime: "Agreed."

"Fair enough." Peter shrugs, "More time away from the crazy house the better."

"I resent that!" Tony looks offended."

Peter rolls his eyes. "I know you do." Peter flips on the television and starts up one of Wade's favorite movies, knowing it would irk his father. The other Avengers and his friends all sigh and settle in for a strange movie night. Steve looks over his gathered family and grin, knowing that there was no place any of them would rather be. Except for Wade, Steve was pretty sure Wade would rather be cuddled up behind Peter and trying to sex up his son in front of his family instead of scraping himself up off of the concrete under the tower.

….Meh.


End file.
